My First Sermon

    

 A couple of weeks ago, I presided my cousin Lisa's wedding to a good guy named Patrick. I was severely hungover and I forgot about the rings. Here's the sermon:

Post Awakening

     When I was kid, my dad would take us to the movie theater on base. At $2 a pop he would complain about the prices and then buy us popcorn whether we wanted it or not. Once in our seats and settled we'd have to stand back up again for the national anthem. Soldiers would doff their covers and salute. The rest of us would wipe the popcorn off of our laps, put our hands over hearts, and watch a slideshow of American weaponry until the music stopped. The previews would play (we called them previews back then. Not trailers.) and it seemed like every movie that was coming soon was worse than the last because there were no new Star Wars movies on the horizon. Those previews combined with whatever we were watching in those theaters made me realize the future was bleak. I was doomed to watch the same three movies over and over. Forever. When the feature presentation started, I secretly hoped it was a trick and Star Wars would start instead of whatever was supposed to be playing. Even if it was a cartoon, I looked for anything on screen that might be related to Star Wars. I was on the edge of my seat hoping that someone whipped out a lightsaber and took care of business. 

Pre-Awakening

     Every nerd worth his or her salt has had their own ideas and opinions about Star Wars and where it's going. Every nerd blogger worth his or her digital ink has written out theories, anecdotes and critiques about where the saga has been. Including me. But I don't count. Because I don't care.

The Dead Phone Chronicles

Day One

      The first day without a cellphone was a wondrous day. It seemed the whole world lay before me without any tethers to restrict my mind and body. I felt lighter. There was no simultaneous ringing/vibrating to interrupt a project or a movie. I was without the steady stream of faulty equipment messages. Broken gate arms. Thirsty friends. Inexplicable spam. Irate women. I was free. January 25th had become Independence Day.
      Yet there was a single twitch in the back my mind. I anticipated it. I knew I would have to think about looking for the phone in  my pocket that was no longer there. I knew I would have to think about not thinking about it. I fancy myself a spontaneous kind of guy. Sometimes I like to go out and have a drink or dinner with a friend. This became difficult. Eventually the addiction became apparent and I tried to ignore it. My right thigh would actually spasm slightly and I would reach into my pocket to answer an imaginary text message. It happened more than once but I didn't beat myself up about it. My new phone from corporate would be here soon and I wouldn't have this quiet time for much longer.

How about this for a tattoo?

George Carlin, Bill Hicks, Richard Pryor and Lenny Bruce fighting off Zombie Carlos Mencia, Zombie Dane Cook, Zombie Gabriel Iglesias, and Zombie Lisa Lampanelli.

Veronica Slips Into Something More...Comfortable.

      In March 2006, I bought a 2006 Harley Davidson XL883R Sportster. I named her Veronica. I was still in the Air Force, so I could still afford her. She was pretty. Soon, I found myself out of the Air Force but still in Alaska with a dwindling bank account. I got a job and saved some money to head down to Arizona before the snow hit for one of Alaska's infamous 23-year winters.

Context Allows Comprehension - From October 14, 2009

      Recently I came across an internet pic(aren't they all now?) that showed how small our planet is compared to some of the known celestial orbs floating around the universe. First it shows Earth next to the moon, Mars and Venus. Next is Earth next to Neptune and Uranus(teehee). Then Jupiter. Then our sun. From there it compares our sun to other stars found in the galaxy until our massive sun is about the size of a pixel. That period i just typed? That's about 4 pixels depending on the format your reading this. The next enormous star is then dwarfed by another star and another. The cycle ends but just because these are the only ones we've seen thus far. And by "seen", I mean the ones we've pointed the Hubble Telescope towards for an extended period of time. If you haven't been paying attention to astronomy's greatest instrument lately, then I'll let you know what it has been up to.

How I Made Money In Seattle - From April 11, 2007

      While looking for a job, I jumped onto Craigslist. I found a link looking for volunteers and I called the number for the medical study of the year. The person who answered was a student that also worked for the University of Washington. He asked me some medical history questions and i passed. now that I was qualified to get hammered, he scheduled me for the following Monday to go in and start chugging.

The Flaming Polish Vodka Shot - From June 9, 2007

      One Saturday night in Songtan, South Korea, my buddy Ivan Hunt and I ventured downtown to get completely hammered. It was our soul purpose that night and in more than one way, we succeeded. On Saturday nights back then, our curfew was 2am. We tooled around for a couple hours before 1:30am came around. We didn't think we were drunk enough, so we headed towards a bar called The Chicken Head. This fine establishment is owned and operated by Jonathan. Jonathan is a mechanical genius. He likes to make things outta junk. Things like a mask that forces straight alcohol down your throat in an attempt to out-drink your buddy. Things like taking a bunch of broken down motorcycles and wiring the lights into the building electricity and placing them throughout the bar. Awesome right? so Ivan and I barge in and announce that we wanna be drunk. Jonathan thinks that's a fantastic idea and produces a bottle from behind the bar.

Today in Things That Happened Whilst Stopped At A Traffic Light - From September 21, 2010

      So I'm stopped at a red light on 1st Ave and Bell St. today after fixing something for a site and I see this bulky black guy across the street. He has on a white wifebeater, white beanie, sweatpants with one leg pulled up and flip flops. But what really pulled the outfit together was the headphones, the savvy swagger and the hiphop recital. To no one in particular. My guess is that he had been doing this for blocks. My daydream was that he had been at it for years across continents. Anyway, he is really into his own imaginary rap video until he stops at the corner to wait to cross the street. As soon as he stops, a middle aged white lady (I had my glasses on) pulls her Kia up to the same corner to make a right. When she stops, the guy stoops down and continues his performance while staring at her. She glances at him for half a second. And then guns it. I've never seen a Kia gun it before but if it happens again, it will confirm that Kia tires have the best grip ever. No screech. None. She was gone and the guy's stare followed her until he could longer see the car. He turned towards his original heading and crossed the street.

     In that moment, I wondered what it's like to be in a middle-aged white lady's car when a strange yet confident black man serenades her with unflinching candor. I bet it was really exciting.

Well played sir. Indeed.