The Flaming Polish Vodka Shot - From June 9, 2007

      One Saturday night in Songtan, South Korea, my buddy Ivan Hunt and I ventured downtown to get completely hammered. It was our soul purpose that night and in more than one way, we succeeded. On Saturday nights back then, our curfew was 2am. We tooled around for a couple hours before 1:30am came around. We didn't think we were drunk enough, so we headed towards a bar called The Chicken Head. This fine establishment is owned and operated by Jonathan. Jonathan is a mechanical genius. He likes to make things outta junk. Things like a mask that forces straight alcohol down your throat in an attempt to out-drink your buddy. Things like taking a bunch of broken down motorcycles and wiring the lights into the building electricity and placing them throughout the bar. Awesome right? so Ivan and I barge in and announce that we wanna be drunk. Jonathan thinks that's a fantastic idea and produces a bottle from behind the bar.

"Well, I just got this 120-proof polish vodka in today! Want some?"

"Sure! Whatta swell gesture!" Ivan proclaims.

So Jonathan pours a double and asks me if I want some. I shake my head and order a beer. He gives me a beer. I immediately go play with the nearest motorcycle. Whee!

Ivan looks at his shot and lifts it. just then, someone in the bar yells,

"Hey! Set it on fire!"

Yet another fine idea!

Ivan looks at Jonathan and Jonathan says,

"Go 'head man. Some guy did it last week."

Ivan lights it on fire then proceeds to chat up Jonathan some more. Jonathan stops him and tells him,

"You better take that shot before the glass gets too hot!"

"Oh shit, I guess you're right!"

Ivan lifts the glass and tries to throw it back.

He missed.

Blue flames engulf the lower part of his face. Hurriedly, he reaches up to pat out the hellish flames.

Now his hands are on fire.

He claps his hands to extinguish that fire.

Now his shirt is on fire.

He pats his face with one hand and his shirt with the other.

Now, his crotch is ablaze.

At this time, two people react this sight that aren't in the immediate vicinity. One runs up starts hitting Ivan in the nuts. The other cries,

"Oh my god, his money's on fire!"

His god-forsaken Korean won(the currency) was slowly being burned away to mere ashes as Ivan fought his self-incineration. Oh the humanity...

At this time, I fell off the bike and sprang into action. Beer in hand. I ran up and looked at Ivan. Then I slow-mo turned to my beer and made peace with it. Then I doused Ivan to banish the evil fire demon he had summoned. Whew! Wet, burnt, and gasping for breath, Ivan thanked me. I asked if he was OK and he replied,

"No, but I'll be alright."

I broke into hysterical laughter and exclaimed,

"Dude, that was the coolest thing I'd ever seen!"

He wasn't happy about that.

Ivan ordered another shot. Jonathan withheld the fire.

Epilogue-

       We made it on base that night but had to walk back to our dorms. He had some minor burns around his chin and mouth that turned into scabs. He kept the money and the shirt for nostalgic purposes. The whole incident I just described took less than 5 seconds in real time. And to this day, remains the coolest thing I've ever seen....