It was 2003. I had just gotten done with my tour in Japan and was on leave for a month until I arrived in Alaska. My plan was to fly to Tucson and buy a car. Then I would drive that car to Las Vegas to visit some friends that I had in Misawa. Kylie and Arnold. We were young and we liked to party in Japan but I hadn't seen them since they left 4 months prior. I thought it was going to be a low-key affair. Kylie had often talked about getting pregnant, so I figured they were getting their shit together and slowing down on the alcohol. Arnold was the quiet one of the pair. Kylie, on the other hand, was a bullhorn on legs. I guess when you're in your 20s, you don't really give a shit about volume.
When I arrived, everyone was all smiles. Kylie had cooked a dinner and we sat around and talked like normal people. Kylie and Arnold were indeed trying to have children but they could either take it or leave it. Since we were in Vegas, I was in the mood to do Vegas things. Kylie was in but Arnold passed. I asked Kylie if she had any friends that wanted to join us and they all balked as well.
While we were sitting at the dinner table, Kylie said a funny thing. "So, did you plan on looking like Dave Navarro or is that by accident?" She laughed like she was making fun of me but when I went to the bathroom and looked in the mirror, I could see it. But not the way Kylie was seeing it. I saw it as a last minute Halloween costume idea. She saw it as, "Holy fuckballs, you could really pass as Dave Navarro if you wore eyeliner!" And then, "Can I can I can I pleeeeeease put eyeliner on you?!" I gave in.
I think I should tell you that 16 years ago I was quite thinner than I am now. I did not have Dave's cheekbones but that could be remedied by a little more makeup. Since I had already been on leave for 3 weeks, I had some facial hair. Using one of Arnold's razors, I trimmed my mustache down to a black thin line and shaped my goatee into what look like an arrowhead. My hair was long on the top but faded on the sides, so I got some gel and slicked it back. I was already wearing long sleeve black shirt and black pants with Chucks. All I needed what's some fingernail paint and the look was complete.
In the dark, I was a dead ringer for Dave Navarro.
Kylie was shocked. Arnold only thought it was funny that I was wearing makeup. Kylie asks where I wanted to go first. I told her I wanted to go where the rock stars were. So we headed to the Rattlesnake Lounge.
Since we were both going to be drinking and Uber or Lyft or worldwide cellular phone use didn't exist yet, we got a cab. The entire way, Kylie squealed about what might happen that night. Would we actually fool people? Could I get into trouble for impersonating someone? Would we run into Dave Navarro? Only time would tell. And time ran out the second we pulled up to our destination. I was sitting directly behind the driver and Kylie was sitting next to me. When we pulled up, Kylie immediately got out. I noticed there were a lot of people hanging out on the curb side. There seem to be some kind of commotion and then while I was fiddling with my wallet to pay the driver I felt somebody sit down next to me. I look over and it's Jason Acuña aka Wee Man from Jackass. His little leg is touching my little leg. Next to him is some blond chick. She closes the door and before I could open my mouth, Jason says "Oh hey man! I didn't expect to see you here tonight! We are headed to the Hard Rock." I didn't notice that I was sliding myself out of that cab. I say, "Cool man, maybe we'll see you there." In the uncoolest way possible. I closed the door and they drive off... I forgot to pay the driver. I stiffed Wee Man on a cab fare. End of part 1.
Dave Navarro part 2
As we walked in to The Rattlesnake Lounge, there was a rush of hurried whispers around us.
Oh my god did you see who that was? I should have introduced myself. That was fucking Wee Man. Should we tell him about our stunt idea?
We went to the bar and ordered our drinks and just hung out and people watched. Bust for a Tuesday night. Not much else happened until we were leaving. One guy came up to me and just poked me in the shoulder and walked off. It wasn't hard but just hard enough to get my attention in a crowd.
We got outside and tried to formulate a plan. Should we go to the Hard Rock and fuck with Jason Acuña? Or should we head to the strip? I voted to walk around the strip to see if anyone was fooled by my get up. We took another cab and got out except everything was normal this time. We walked around from casino to casino and had drinks. For whatever reason, we stopped at Harrah's for a bathroom break. Now, I've been to Harrah's before and the last time I was there I got trapped by a game. Casino War. The first time I had played, I lost my ass off because I kept wanting to go to war with the dealer which is a huge mistake. The second time around, I learned my lesson and made up for my loss and walked away with five hundred bucks. I mean it's just war. There's no strategy. If you get the high card you win the game. So, I wanted to play to see if they I could win some money while I was there just to make up for the money that I was going to spend on alcohol. Or cigarettes. Or stripper tips. We walked around the entire damn casino I could not find it. I guess they got rid of it because 50/50 odds are considered a loss by the house. On our way back out to the strip,we stopped and stood at entrance/exit. Back to square 2. Then, I was tapped on the shoulder again. I thought I had done something wrong. I look up and a giant security guard looks down. He says and says "Excuse me Mr. Navarro, your presence is requested upstairs in the VIP lounge." Here. We. Go. I say "Sure. Can my friend come too?" He says "Yes, sir. Follow me to the elevator." So I follow him to the elevator. When it opens there's another suited bouncer standing inside. I walk in and the door closes and up we go. I dare not say a word. I dare not move. My cover would be blown with barely a gesture. Someone would go "Hey Dave!" and I'd flip them a nod and they would freak out and y point and yell "IMPOSTOR" while everybody drops their drinks, gasps at my flagrant deception. The records scratches to silence just in time to hear the bouncers crack their knuckles.
But when the doors open, none of that happens. The music keeps playing and the lights keep spinning. And as we're walking out of the elevator, Kylie leans over and whispers in my ear, "I can't believe this is happening." (title of my sex tape) In fact the complete opposite happens despite my paranoia. The DJ has apparently already gotten the word that I was on my way and cued up the Jane's Addiction song Been Caught Stealing and yelled "DAVE NAVARRO IN THE HOOOUUUUSE and everyone cheered. Ohgodohfuckohshit.
I kept my cool and barely smiled because I was drawing blood from my tongue with my teeth. Here was another moment of truth and I looked around for a spotlight but there was none. Now, I just had to convince whomever approached me. And it turns out, just the ladies approached me. One by one they all introduced themselves and asked where Carmen Electra was while Kylie got a drink at the bar. My answer started out simple but ended up snowballing. "Nice to meet you" and/or "Carmen is in LA shooting something. A workout video. For MTV. With belly dancing. Guest starring Billy Blanks." Somehow, the more I added to the lie, the more believable it became. Kylie came back with a tray of drinks and yelled in my ear "They are all free! I say, "The girls?" She says, "No, the drinks. They're on the house. The bartender says so." Fuck yes. We grab a a VIP booth and drink and smoke and bullshit and drink with everyone. I dance a little and I even signed some autographs.
Then I have to go to the bathroom.
On my way there, I noticed that there's a security guy standing right outside the door. He checks inside the bathroom to see if anybody is in there and then waves me in. He goes to stop the person behind me from following me in and then changes his mind and waves him in too. So, there we are. Just me and this dude in a fedora before fedoras were popular. When the guy speaks, he has a British accent and says, "It's good to see you again, Dave." Even drunk, my heart stops along with my piss stream. The jig is up. I'm done. Maybe I can sound like him? I don't know what Dave Navarro sounds like. Most likely you don't either. There's probably no one on the planet that can do an imitation of Dave Navarro. A joking one would sound like a crying baby probably. But to me, he looks like he would have a higher-pitched voice. The Brit parks next to me and starts pissing. I zip up and go to wash my hands. He then asks, "Hey Dave, d'ya fancy some blow?
Cocaine is illegal when you're in the military. It is also illegal if you're not in the military. But here we are.
This is the one time I would ever ask myself What Would Dave Navarro Do. I say, "Sure." but with a silent gulp. He pulls out a small brown vial and when he opens the cap there's a tiny spoon attached to the inside of it. He hands me this spoon and I snort it up. He asks, " Ya wanna even that out?" and hands the full spoon back. I mentally say FUCK but say Okay out loud instead. I do it and him back the spoon. He claps me on the back and says, "That's a good lad." and walks out. Didn't even wash his damn hands. I wash my face and say fuck out loud. I am a man on fire. I can't hear anything except for my own stupid voice in my head. And then Dave says, "That's what you get!" Fuck you, Dave Navarro. My plan is to grab Kylie and get the fuck out of there. I put my hand on the door handle and give it a tug. I'm prepared to be thrown out by my underwear. When I walk out I look around and everybody is continuing to do what they do. The bouncer doesn't grab me. The music is still playing. The lights spin. The Brit in the fedora is off to the side conversing with a group of girls. And Kylie is talking to an Asian guy in a suit. When I walk up, the Asian guy shakes my hand and walks off. Kylie leans over and asks it if everything is okay and I say I think so. I change my mind and get another round of drinks. And then. I get another. At some point we realize that we can't see the outside. Neither of us have watches or phones. We decided that we should leave when everyone started yawning. Not because of the fact that we're paranoid. Also, because of the fact that we are shit-faced. So security escorts us out and, fuck me running, there's a limo waiting for us. It's 5 in the morning and we get in and we both pass out on the way back to her house. Before I did, I groggily wondered if we should hit up another bar.
Prologue-
It takes me an extra day to recover and I have to make up for it on the road. I spend the next three days driving to Alaska and wondering if that even really happened.
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