An Unfortunate Argument For Marriage

I couldn't tell you much about what the day was like leading up to the unfortunate couple. I could tell you that I was working rideshare in Seattle's Beacon Hill district. I suppose I could tell you about the weather. That it was partly cloudy or partly sunny. That it was February but also possibly March. That I had given 10 rides to 10 passengers before 10 AM.

It could have been 5 rides to 17 passengers on a snowy Thanksgiving Day. None of that mattered after I met the unfortunate couple.

I received a notification on my phone that someone requested a ride and I headed there hastily. The pick up location was a shabby, single level house that sat on a slope lower than the street. The front yard had been overrun by foliage in what could have been a scandalous coup. I waited there in my Nissan Sentra for a couple minutes until my unfortunate passengers appeared.

They were an older couple, possibly in their early 60s. The man looked like Archie Bunker with even higher blood pressure and a proud penchant for Jeopardy trivia. She looked like Edith if she had divorced Archie and became a small time fashion designer. No less than three handmade looking lockets orbited her exposed neck.

Archie was all smiles and used his outdoor voice inside the car to let me know they were on their way to church. The car leaned when Archie sat down.  Edith got in the car, put on her seat belt and said nothing until we were on our way.

I couldn't tell you about the music that played during this unfortunate trip. Their whole conversation was loud enough for me to remember the details. There was no lead in or introduction. Nor was there context or clues. Archie wanted to continue their conversation post haste. 

"Why shouldn't we get married?!", Archie implored so suddenly I thought he was addressing me. I looked in the mirror at him and he was looking at Edith. He was twisted toward her and beamed at her. I glanced at her. She was not taken aback. She was not flustered nor flabbergasted. Or even a little distraught.

She looked at him and calmly asked, "Why should we get married, Archie? We haven't even known each other that long. It hasn't even been a year. And this is my first time to Seattle"

Archie's excitement falters but his energy slogs on.

"I don't think it matters! Almost a year...almost a month... almost a day. It doesn't matter to me. I think we should get married!", he pushes. 

I purposely slow down and drive with wide eyes so I can hear this radio serial episode play out. I was ready for anything. Especially if one of them performed the ol' Tuck and Roll. I hear it's an option nowadays.

"Archie, we still don't know each other that well and I think it should take more than a year to be sure if you want to marry someone. Really, let's go down the list of reasons you want to marry me so soon.", Edith instructed.

"Edith, I wanna marry you because I LOVE YOU. And that's aalllll the reason I need." Archie claimed. I legitimately thought he was going to start singing.

"Archie, keep your voice down; the young man can hear us.", she says dryly.

And now I'm biting my lip to hold off the anxious giggles. I look in the rear view mirror and see that Archie isn't smiling anymore. In fact, he looks more flushed than he did before. 

"Please, I really wanna do this with you. I'll make sure you don't regret it." Archie says intently. I can hear in his voice that he knows this isn't gonna go his way. 

Archie has begun to lose his battle. Edith swats down every plea that Archie offers. Every time he gets an unfortunate word in, his volume dips and Edith's stays level.

I wish I could tell you when the car went silent except for barely audible radio playing something not worth listening to. My mind was reeling from listening along while navigating to the unassuming church.

Edith finally says: "Archie, do you understand?"

I glance again into the mirror and his posture is straight but he is gazing out into the passing city. I doubt he is actually seeing anything that is worth more than she is to him. He turns his head forward and locks eyes with me in the rear view and asks loudly: "And how are you today sir?! Are you from Seattle? Have you lived here long? ISNT IT A BEAUTIFUL DAY?!" 

Archie is grinning again.

I answer all 3 of his questions. Edith has lowered her voice and halfheartedly vying for his attention. After a bit, she stops and looks out of the window.

She was not taken aback. She was not flustered nor flabbergasted. Or even a little distraught.

Archie asked questions the rest of the way and I answered them to the best of my ability. When we finally arrived at the church, he happily yelled: 

"THANKS SO MUCH FOR THE RIDE JOHNNY BOY! HERE'S A LITTLE SOMETHING FOR YA."

He hands me a dollar and attempts to exit the vehicle. Behind his booming voice I heard Edith thank me softly and close the door. I watched them walk inside the church and drove off.

I wish I could tell you that they worked things out. I wish I could tell you that Archie learned to control his desperate tantrums. I wish I could tell you that they fell in love subsequently. I wish I could tell you that they got married right there in that church. But I can't. The unfortunate argument was surreal enough to make me realize that this happens more often than I think it does. The poor, unfortunate couple.

They were all I thought about for the rest of the day.